What would I tell you today

I would tell you that I value your opinions and your reasoning.  I wish that I would tell you what is going on through my head and ask for help instead of waiting until it is too late.


This past week has been hell.  I haven't contacted you at all. I told you that I couldn't be your friend anymore.  I cried the entire time I wrote that text.  I couldn't see the words through the tears but I had so much I had to say and I was so confused.  Sometimes when I get too close I feel as though I am going to get hurt again like when you broke up with me, and that hurt so much and I don't want to go through that again.  But, I am going through it right now, at my own doing because I pushed you away.  I thought it would be easier.  But it isn't because I want you in my life.  I want to share things with you and listen to you talk and just watch you talk from across the table. 


Why do I do this?  I am not expecting a pity party or someone to wipe my tears.
It is my fault and I accept all of the blame.


Work has been amazing.  I am building sites that I have never had the chance to build.  I was always too busy when I did this type of work before.  It makes me happy to be proud of something and I wish I could tell you all the things that make me happy.


When I think of the future and plans I had of travelling and shopping and just hanging out with you, I cry.  I know now that I will be doing all of this alone.  Of course I could find someone else to hang out with. But they are not you.  You can make me smile or cry with just one look.  You make me so happy to be alive.


I do not know what I would do if I didn't have you when I was going in for my cancer treatments.  You were the only one that I didn't feel like I had to hide it, or I had to pretend everything was fine.  I could tell you when I wasn't feeling well and you took care of me as much as I would let you.  Every time I drink water I think of you and that drink mix.  I say thank you to no one, because I pushed you away.  It was you I called when I was waiting to be operated on.  It was you I texted first afterwards and it was you that made me smile because I knew you were rooting for me.


You are no longer rooting for me and it hurts.
And it is my fault.