True feelings are hard

when I look at myself in the mirror, what stares back at me is not a happy person.
I hurt because of what I have done to him.
I hurt because I do not want to hurt him  anymore
I hurt because I do not know how to stop.


I went to see a doctor today, like they have the answers to everything right?  Nah, this is all on me.  I told him that I am having trust issues and that I am hurting people around me and I am pushing people away and I do not want to do this.


I can't blame this on Brian's death, it has been 3 years time to get over it.  Me, feeling guilty for the feelings that I have is stupid.  I am not cheating on me or desecrating his name.  However, I am allowed to take as much time as I want.  Since I have been going to work everyday and I care about my appearance I am not really depressed says the doctor.  It's more of a guilt thing.  Whatever.  I can't blame anything that I do on anyone except myself. and I have to want to change in order to be able to change.  I cannot use him as an emotional punching bag ever ever again.  If it takes me a year to get him to trust me or confide in me I am going to work my ass off trying to do it. 


I am an evil person and some times I wish I could just disappear and move away to a place where no one knows me, my past or how I have treated him. 


Why is it only him?  Because I have the most vested into the relationship with him, I trust him the most, care about him the most.  I would do anything for him.  I want him to be happy.  I just hate the thought that he would be most happy without me in his life.  Ouch, that hurt a lot to write it but let's be honest here.  I fucked up. I don't know how to fix it. 


Medically I am fine, more lumps again, but hey I think that is going to be a part of my life until there are no breasts left.  I don't know how these people do it.  I read these support groups and they have all of the procedures that they have done, what type of cancer and stage that they were/are in and what they have been taking drug wise.  I still have to look at all of my paperwork in order to figure all of that out and I feel like when I read it, it is all blurry and none of it makes sense.  My hair is getting long and it is starting to get in the way of me playing pool.  haha. 
Pool has been going well, I have been playing well.  I have been losing weight finally and I get to start going to the gym.  Work is having this challenge coming up and I think that I am going to do it so I can have some motivation.


I want to share this with him and I miss talking to him.  I am so scared to say anything to him.
I am scared that I really screwed up.