Too broken to fix

Like a shattered Lladro.


I am going to try.
I am going to make sure that I never treat him badly again.  I would give everything I have, every possession to have him in my life.
I would spend every day for the rest of my life trying to fix this. 
I'm getting my job back, just have to wait a few days have a medical note.  Not sure if that is allowed or not, but I am going to work my ass off to get my life back.

Happy Mothers day.

Not so much.  The weather was nice. 


I have to fix all of this.  I need to accept blame. I need to talk.

A letter I would write myself

Dear _________,
When you are 42, you are going to be in the worst place you have ever been.. You are going to be sad, and angry and mad.  You will go on a road trip to California to try to escape from demons that are always in your head.  When you come back you are going to start playing pool again and you are going to meet one of the most important people in your life.  When you meet this person, you are going to smile and feel something alive in your soul that you haven't felt in over a year.  Go with it.  Enjoy life and be happy.  Enjoy each day you are with him and experience happiness like you deserve.  It wont last, but you are going to have a friendship that emerges out of the time you spent with him that will mean more than anything in the world.  This friendship is going to be what keeps you grounded and alive.  Whatever you do, do not be mean to him.  Do not say hateful things to him to try and push him away.  He will be the one to make you laugh when you are diagnosed with cancer.  He will be the one that tells you, you are beautiful when all you see is an ugly bald person in the mirror.  He will be the one that brings you snacks and stuff to make you smile.  He will be there at 2 am or 2 pm to pick you up from chemo or just to talk to.  This guy will be the one that holds you together and gives you a shoulder to cry on and listens to you.  He will be the one that you treat horribly.. often and you will hurt him with your words.  You will act like you don't care, even though you do.  Its okay to care about someone.  As long as you are nice to him, he will never leave you.  But you don't get it. Over and over again you will punish him for no reason, for what?? being nice to you??  Please do not do this. You will push him so far away that no matter what you do, you will not get him back.  And its going to kill you..  You will cry everyday, hoping that you will be able to do something to make it all better.  You will swear, cry, plead and beg but it wont bring him back.
Trust him, talk to him and tell him how you feel.  Don't assume and don't think too much. 
He will be the most important thing in your life.  He sounds perfect and for the most part he is.  Don't be scared and just enjoy every day that you are alive. You will, and you will push him so far away that he will never speak to you again. 


I pushed and pushed and pushed and I will never get him back.  I cry every night because I do not have him to talk to as a friend as a confidant.  I miss him so much and it hurts everything inside of me. 


I want to fix this but I can't and I have only myself to blame.  I would do anything to take back time and fix this.  I keep thinking, if I die today, I will not have him at my funeral or thinking of me.  And that kills me. 

What I gave up

I gave up so much by pushing you away.  I took it all for granted


I gave up smiling every time you texted me.
I gave up talking to you and seeing you smile at lunch
I gave up having a shoulder to cry on when people are mean to me.
I gave up having someone to listen
I gave up having someone to text any time of day, and getting an answer
I gave up having someone rooting for me, in my corner
I gave up laughing with you
I gave up listening to your stories and helping
I gave up a huge part of my life
I gave up the best support system I ever had.


You are an amazing person.  I have never met anyone like you.  It was so easy to talk to you, to be honest and myself with you.  I have never been like that with anyone.  I took it all for granted.  You are a special angel, and you were my guardian angel, watching out for me supporting me and being there no matter what.  Whenever I would allow it you would go out of your way to make me more comfortable.  You offered to bring me dinner every single day I was sick.  You offered to come and sit with me while I got chemo as well as when I went in for surgery. 


I am so sorry.  I deserve whatever comes my way for what I did to you.  I cannot be as strong as I am when I am with you.  I don't want to be ignored by you.  I don't want to push you away.  it hurts.  I don't know what to do to make it better.  It's not like a broken arm that would heal.  But I am so sorry.  I swear I am.  I swear

Wild Ride

Quit my job
Drove to California.
Not really to California.  I made it to the Kentucky border before I calmed down and was able to come back to reality.


I'm home now and I have to fix all of this on my own. 
I was told last night that there are no answers for me. 


Those are the hardest words I have ever read.
I feel as though Brian died all over again.
I am spiraling out of control and I need to check in.
I can't stop crying.

I miss my happy days

I asked for this. 
I tried.
It's been a week and I am freaking out
I don't know what to do.
I packed a bag and I have no idea where to go.
I have absolutely no one
I am alone
I screwed up the one and only friendship I ever had and I really need it right now.


If I do not have this friendship, then why am I even in Virginia.
I need to get away. 
I went to pool tonight and even though it is full of people I felt so alone. 

True feelings are hard

when I look at myself in the mirror, what stares back at me is not a happy person.
I hurt because of what I have done to him.
I hurt because I do not want to hurt him  anymore
I hurt because I do not know how to stop.


I went to see a doctor today, like they have the answers to everything right?  Nah, this is all on me.  I told him that I am having trust issues and that I am hurting people around me and I am pushing people away and I do not want to do this.


I can't blame this on Brian's death, it has been 3 years time to get over it.  Me, feeling guilty for the feelings that I have is stupid.  I am not cheating on me or desecrating his name.  However, I am allowed to take as much time as I want.  Since I have been going to work everyday and I care about my appearance I am not really depressed says the doctor.  It's more of a guilt thing.  Whatever.  I can't blame anything that I do on anyone except myself. and I have to want to change in order to be able to change.  I cannot use him as an emotional punching bag ever ever again.  If it takes me a year to get him to trust me or confide in me I am going to work my ass off trying to do it. 


I am an evil person and some times I wish I could just disappear and move away to a place where no one knows me, my past or how I have treated him. 


Why is it only him?  Because I have the most vested into the relationship with him, I trust him the most, care about him the most.  I would do anything for him.  I want him to be happy.  I just hate the thought that he would be most happy without me in his life.  Ouch, that hurt a lot to write it but let's be honest here.  I fucked up. I don't know how to fix it. 


Medically I am fine, more lumps again, but hey I think that is going to be a part of my life until there are no breasts left.  I don't know how these people do it.  I read these support groups and they have all of the procedures that they have done, what type of cancer and stage that they were/are in and what they have been taking drug wise.  I still have to look at all of my paperwork in order to figure all of that out and I feel like when I read it, it is all blurry and none of it makes sense.  My hair is getting long and it is starting to get in the way of me playing pool.  haha. 
Pool has been going well, I have been playing well.  I have been losing weight finally and I get to start going to the gym.  Work is having this challenge coming up and I think that I am going to do it so I can have some motivation.


I want to share this with him and I miss talking to him.  I am so scared to say anything to him.
I am scared that I really screwed up.

What would I tell you today

I would tell you that I value your opinions and your reasoning.  I wish that I would tell you what is going on through my head and ask for help instead of waiting until it is too late.


This past week has been hell.  I haven't contacted you at all. I told you that I couldn't be your friend anymore.  I cried the entire time I wrote that text.  I couldn't see the words through the tears but I had so much I had to say and I was so confused.  Sometimes when I get too close I feel as though I am going to get hurt again like when you broke up with me, and that hurt so much and I don't want to go through that again.  But, I am going through it right now, at my own doing because I pushed you away.  I thought it would be easier.  But it isn't because I want you in my life.  I want to share things with you and listen to you talk and just watch you talk from across the table. 


Why do I do this?  I am not expecting a pity party or someone to wipe my tears.
It is my fault and I accept all of the blame.


Work has been amazing.  I am building sites that I have never had the chance to build.  I was always too busy when I did this type of work before.  It makes me happy to be proud of something and I wish I could tell you all the things that make me happy.


When I think of the future and plans I had of travelling and shopping and just hanging out with you, I cry.  I know now that I will be doing all of this alone.  Of course I could find someone else to hang out with. But they are not you.  You can make me smile or cry with just one look.  You make me so happy to be alive.


I do not know what I would do if I didn't have you when I was going in for my cancer treatments.  You were the only one that I didn't feel like I had to hide it, or I had to pretend everything was fine.  I could tell you when I wasn't feeling well and you took care of me as much as I would let you.  Every time I drink water I think of you and that drink mix.  I say thank you to no one, because I pushed you away.  It was you I called when I was waiting to be operated on.  It was you I texted first afterwards and it was you that made me smile because I knew you were rooting for me.


You are no longer rooting for me and it hurts.
And it is my fault.

If you would listen

I would say I am sorry, again and again those words come out of my mouth.  I have no one to blame but myself.  I put myself in the position that I am in.  I chose to be mean and say things that cannot be forgotten. 
I get scared.
You know so much about me. 
I get mad because I have allowed you to know everything about me.
I do not know why I get mad, you have never hurt me.  You have never talked bad about me.


I have these feelings for you because I trust you and I want to be friends with you forever.  I push you away, then I say I can't live without you.


There is no rhyme or reason to this.
I have no idea how to fix it this time.  I am scared to talk to you.  I do not want to be rejected because of my own actions.
I love you so much but hate myself for feeling that way for someone.