A letter I would write myself

Dear _________,
When you are 42, you are going to be in the worst place you have ever been.. You are going to be sad, and angry and mad.  You will go on a road trip to California to try to escape from demons that are always in your head.  When you come back you are going to start playing pool again and you are going to meet one of the most important people in your life.  When you meet this person, you are going to smile and feel something alive in your soul that you haven't felt in over a year.  Go with it.  Enjoy life and be happy.  Enjoy each day you are with him and experience happiness like you deserve.  It wont last, but you are going to have a friendship that emerges out of the time you spent with him that will mean more than anything in the world.  This friendship is going to be what keeps you grounded and alive.  Whatever you do, do not be mean to him.  Do not say hateful things to him to try and push him away.  He will be the one to make you laugh when you are diagnosed with cancer.  He will be the one that tells you, you are beautiful when all you see is an ugly bald person in the mirror.  He will be the one that brings you snacks and stuff to make you smile.  He will be there at 2 am or 2 pm to pick you up from chemo or just to talk to.  This guy will be the one that holds you together and gives you a shoulder to cry on and listens to you.  He will be the one that you treat horribly.. often and you will hurt him with your words.  You will act like you don't care, even though you do.  Its okay to care about someone.  As long as you are nice to him, he will never leave you.  But you don't get it. Over and over again you will punish him for no reason, for what?? being nice to you??  Please do not do this. You will push him so far away that no matter what you do, you will not get him back.  And its going to kill you..  You will cry everyday, hoping that you will be able to do something to make it all better.  You will swear, cry, plead and beg but it wont bring him back.
Trust him, talk to him and tell him how you feel.  Don't assume and don't think too much. 
He will be the most important thing in your life.  He sounds perfect and for the most part he is.  Don't be scared and just enjoy every day that you are alive. You will, and you will push him so far away that he will never speak to you again. 


I pushed and pushed and pushed and I will never get him back.  I cry every night because I do not have him to talk to as a friend as a confidant.  I miss him so much and it hurts everything inside of me. 


I want to fix this but I can't and I have only myself to blame.  I would do anything to take back time and fix this.  I keep thinking, if I die today, I will not have him at my funeral or thinking of me.  And that kills me.