Too broken to fix

Like a shattered Lladro.


I am going to try.
I am going to make sure that I never treat him badly again.  I would give everything I have, every possession to have him in my life.
I would spend every day for the rest of my life trying to fix this. 
I'm getting my job back, just have to wait a few days have a medical note.  Not sure if that is allowed or not, but I am going to work my ass off to get my life back.

Happy Mothers day.

Not so much.  The weather was nice. 


I have to fix all of this.  I need to accept blame. I need to talk.

A letter I would write myself

Dear _________,
When you are 42, you are going to be in the worst place you have ever been.. You are going to be sad, and angry and mad.  You will go on a road trip to California to try to escape from demons that are always in your head.  When you come back you are going to start playing pool again and you are going to meet one of the most important people in your life.  When you meet this person, you are going to smile and feel something alive in your soul that you haven't felt in over a year.  Go with it.  Enjoy life and be happy.  Enjoy each day you are with him and experience happiness like you deserve.  It wont last, but you are going to have a friendship that emerges out of the time you spent with him that will mean more than anything in the world.  This friendship is going to be what keeps you grounded and alive.  Whatever you do, do not be mean to him.  Do not say hateful things to him to try and push him away.  He will be the one to make you laugh when you are diagnosed with cancer.  He will be the one that tells you, you are beautiful when all you see is an ugly bald person in the mirror.  He will be the one that brings you snacks and stuff to make you smile.  He will be there at 2 am or 2 pm to pick you up from chemo or just to talk to.  This guy will be the one that holds you together and gives you a shoulder to cry on and listens to you.  He will be the one that you treat horribly.. often and you will hurt him with your words.  You will act like you don't care, even though you do.  Its okay to care about someone.  As long as you are nice to him, he will never leave you.  But you don't get it. Over and over again you will punish him for no reason, for what?? being nice to you??  Please do not do this. You will push him so far away that no matter what you do, you will not get him back.  And its going to kill you..  You will cry everyday, hoping that you will be able to do something to make it all better.  You will swear, cry, plead and beg but it wont bring him back.
Trust him, talk to him and tell him how you feel.  Don't assume and don't think too much. 
He will be the most important thing in your life.  He sounds perfect and for the most part he is.  Don't be scared and just enjoy every day that you are alive. You will, and you will push him so far away that he will never speak to you again. 


I pushed and pushed and pushed and I will never get him back.  I cry every night because I do not have him to talk to as a friend as a confidant.  I miss him so much and it hurts everything inside of me. 


I want to fix this but I can't and I have only myself to blame.  I would do anything to take back time and fix this.  I keep thinking, if I die today, I will not have him at my funeral or thinking of me.  And that kills me. 

What I gave up

I gave up so much by pushing you away.  I took it all for granted


I gave up smiling every time you texted me.
I gave up talking to you and seeing you smile at lunch
I gave up having a shoulder to cry on when people are mean to me.
I gave up having someone to listen
I gave up having someone to text any time of day, and getting an answer
I gave up having someone rooting for me, in my corner
I gave up laughing with you
I gave up listening to your stories and helping
I gave up a huge part of my life
I gave up the best support system I ever had.


You are an amazing person.  I have never met anyone like you.  It was so easy to talk to you, to be honest and myself with you.  I have never been like that with anyone.  I took it all for granted.  You are a special angel, and you were my guardian angel, watching out for me supporting me and being there no matter what.  Whenever I would allow it you would go out of your way to make me more comfortable.  You offered to bring me dinner every single day I was sick.  You offered to come and sit with me while I got chemo as well as when I went in for surgery. 


I am so sorry.  I deserve whatever comes my way for what I did to you.  I cannot be as strong as I am when I am with you.  I don't want to be ignored by you.  I don't want to push you away.  it hurts.  I don't know what to do to make it better.  It's not like a broken arm that would heal.  But I am so sorry.  I swear I am.  I swear

Wild Ride

Quit my job
Drove to California.
Not really to California.  I made it to the Kentucky border before I calmed down and was able to come back to reality.


I'm home now and I have to fix all of this on my own. 
I was told last night that there are no answers for me. 


Those are the hardest words I have ever read.
I feel as though Brian died all over again.
I am spiraling out of control and I need to check in.
I can't stop crying.

I miss my happy days

I asked for this. 
I tried.
It's been a week and I am freaking out
I don't know what to do.
I packed a bag and I have no idea where to go.
I have absolutely no one
I am alone
I screwed up the one and only friendship I ever had and I really need it right now.


If I do not have this friendship, then why am I even in Virginia.
I need to get away. 
I went to pool tonight and even though it is full of people I felt so alone. 

True feelings are hard

when I look at myself in the mirror, what stares back at me is not a happy person.
I hurt because of what I have done to him.
I hurt because I do not want to hurt him  anymore
I hurt because I do not know how to stop.


I went to see a doctor today, like they have the answers to everything right?  Nah, this is all on me.  I told him that I am having trust issues and that I am hurting people around me and I am pushing people away and I do not want to do this.


I can't blame this on Brian's death, it has been 3 years time to get over it.  Me, feeling guilty for the feelings that I have is stupid.  I am not cheating on me or desecrating his name.  However, I am allowed to take as much time as I want.  Since I have been going to work everyday and I care about my appearance I am not really depressed says the doctor.  It's more of a guilt thing.  Whatever.  I can't blame anything that I do on anyone except myself. and I have to want to change in order to be able to change.  I cannot use him as an emotional punching bag ever ever again.  If it takes me a year to get him to trust me or confide in me I am going to work my ass off trying to do it. 


I am an evil person and some times I wish I could just disappear and move away to a place where no one knows me, my past or how I have treated him. 


Why is it only him?  Because I have the most vested into the relationship with him, I trust him the most, care about him the most.  I would do anything for him.  I want him to be happy.  I just hate the thought that he would be most happy without me in his life.  Ouch, that hurt a lot to write it but let's be honest here.  I fucked up. I don't know how to fix it. 


Medically I am fine, more lumps again, but hey I think that is going to be a part of my life until there are no breasts left.  I don't know how these people do it.  I read these support groups and they have all of the procedures that they have done, what type of cancer and stage that they were/are in and what they have been taking drug wise.  I still have to look at all of my paperwork in order to figure all of that out and I feel like when I read it, it is all blurry and none of it makes sense.  My hair is getting long and it is starting to get in the way of me playing pool.  haha. 
Pool has been going well, I have been playing well.  I have been losing weight finally and I get to start going to the gym.  Work is having this challenge coming up and I think that I am going to do it so I can have some motivation.


I want to share this with him and I miss talking to him.  I am so scared to say anything to him.
I am scared that I really screwed up.